Every year I have to watch out for a downward spiral around this time. There are several factors at play to do with failed friendships and lost loved ones that make this time of year hard for me. Every year is different in how much I’m affected depending on how much is on my plate. Right now, we’re getting a conversion done to our garage that will turn it into a bedroom/bathroom suite. This involves a lot of talking to people I wouldn’t normally talk to. This means putting myself out there to make phone calls and be at certain places and make specific and important decisions. All things that add stress and anxiety.
Working through it is hard. I’m at a point right now when I think that seeing a therapist again would be a good idea. It would help me cope. Most of the time I’m just tired. I handle stress better when I can sleep more, but sleep is a tricky commodity in my house right now. So much is happening and so much needs to happen still, I find myself staying up later than I want to, just so I can have a few minutes of staring at a TV screen after everything else is done. I need time to unwind before I close my eyes or they pop back open without my permission.
I have to keep reminding myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That, even though I can’t see it right now, I will soon if I keep my head up. I find myself thinking that I’m not allowed to take certain times or days to rest and relax and BE whatever it is I am. Maybe if I keep going, keep fighting, keep pushing, it will all be over faster. I have to keep reminding myself that some things are out of my control; my floors won’t get taken care of until the painting is done and they get what we ordered in; the vents will be installed when the heating company has an opening; and the constant phone calls to/from people will calm down with everything else.
One thing that did surprise me recently was the discovery that I have more words written on my WIP than I thought. It was a good surprise. One that made me realize that it isn’t so bad and reminded me that depression lies.
I will have all this next weekend to relax and sit back and just BE. Maybe I’ll spend all weekend in bed. Maybe I’ll spend it on the couch reading books or staring at the TV or even just staring at the ceiling.
Whatever it is I do, I will have to remember that it’s okay. That it’s necessary and deserved and that running around doing everything is only going to make things worse in the long run.
Note: This turned out to be a lot more of a depressing post than I had intended it, even talking more about my depression. That seems to be a theme of my posts lately. This will be the third one concerning such things. But since it’s Mental Health Awareness Month, I’m going to keep it as is. A small peek into my mind during a time of depression and stress and anxiety.