My Daughter and ADHD

Princess with her crown

A little over a year ago, my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. The diagnosis took a year, several visits to the pediatrician, a few parent/teacher conferences, and about as much patience as Mother Theresa had in her entire life.

According to this survey done by the CDC, approximately 8.5% of children in the US have been diagnosed with ADHD. Of those children diagnosed, approximately 4.8% are female.

My daughter’s difficult behavior started when she was about three years old. My husband and I, being first time parents, attributed it to her age. She would grow out of it eventually. When our son was born, her behavior changed only in that things got worse. We thought she wanted more attention since her baby brother needed so much of it. We gave it to her, hoping things would calm down. They didn’t.

She started preschool when she was four years old. It was a kindergarten preparation class and we thought once she was in school with other kids she would have an outlet for her endless amount of energy. But the teacher had difficulties with her too. This woman has the patience of a saint. She is amazing with kids and loves teaching. She can draw kids out of shyness to get them to participate, but she couldn’t get my daughter to sit still long enough to do her coloring and crafts.

Again, my husband and I thought it was her age and that she would grow out of it. I started describing her as willful. I thought, it’s good she has a mind of her own. She’ll question things and want to learn more, and that part is true. But her behavior wasn’t willfulness.

It was when she moved on to kindergarten that things became all too clear. Her work in school would remain incomplete because she was too busy bouncing her pencil or her leg and looking around the classroom She would get up and run around the room when it was quiet time. She would disrupt the other students while working on projects. Things at home weren’t any easier. Her homework packets – sent home on Monday nights to be returned Friday morning – became a struggle to get done. I would sit at the table with her every night for hours just trying to get her to do one page. Her teacher asked me if she’d ever been to the doctor for ADHD testing.

At first, we resisted. We took her to her normal doctor appointments and mentioned the trouble she was having in school, but didn’t ask for her to be tested. Then the principal got involved. There was talk of keeping my daughter in kindergarten another year, even though there was no academic reason for it. My daughter is smart. When she does her work, she does an amazing job, but getting her to do the work was a task.

My husband and I discussed our options. We could home school her, but with so few other children in our kids’ lives, we couldn’t provide the social aspect of learning that a school does, even getting her involved in extracurricular activities. We could see no benefit in holding our daughter back a year. She would get bored with the material and act up a lot more. So, we did the last thing we could do. We had her tested.

The doctor sent home two questionnaires. One for me, since I stayed at home with her and my son, and one for her teacher. We each filled them out, the teacher sealing hers in an envelope which I was sorely tempted to open and read. I didn’t. I took them both back to the doctor along with my daughter a month later. That day, she was diagnosed with ADHD.

I remember conflicting feelings when the doctor came in and said the answers to my questionnaire were mostly identical to the answers the teacher gave and both indicated ADHD. There was finally a reason my daughter didn’t listen when we told her to do something. There was a reason my daughter would do things she knew she shouldn’t. There was a reason she couldn’t sit still and was easily distracted. I was elated to know all the blame my husband and I placed on ourselves was needless. We thought we were doing something wrong. No matter what we did, nothing worked, and the guilt that we couldn’t do right by our daughter tore at us. Now, we could erase that guilt and start fresh.

But I also couldn’t believe it. How many times had I seen people on Facebook discount anything ADHD? Hundreds? How many times had I agreed that it must be “soft parenting” and not some health issue? Yet here was my daughter diagnosed with this mythical medical condition. We weren’t afraid to tell her no. We knew the fits and temper tantrums would come, but we knew it was a part of growing up. We could never be lumped in with “soft parents.” We knew when to say yes, and when to say no, and we never got carried away, even on her worst days.

My husband and I discussed the pros and cons of putting our daughter on medication. In the end, we decided it was necessary. We knew, from personal experience, that no amount of one-on-one time with a tutor or in the special education classes would help. Not alone. So, my daughter’s pediatrician, my daughter, and I began a journey of discovery.

We tried different medications at different dosages until we found one that worked. The difference is amazing. My daughter has no trouble finishing her work when she’s on her medicine. She moved on to first grade and there has been little trouble all year except when she had a growth spurt and we had to adjust her dosage. We keep an eye on her eating and her sleep. Two of the major side effects of her medication are loss of appetite and trouble sleeping. She has no trouble with either, luckily.

The decisions we made were done with the entire family in mind. My son looks up to my daughter so much that his behavior when she was home from school reflected hers. I have no doubt that my son does not have ADHD. When my daughter is at school, he is as easygoing as any kid I’ve ever met. She is calmer, listens more, and doesn’t get as distracted when she’s on her medicine, so my son is calmer, listens more, and doesn’t get as distracted when she’s home.

The medication makes it easier for me to communicate with my daughter. She can sit down and focus on the things she needs to focus on long enough for her to finish her homework. It’s easy for others to notice the difference when she’s missed a dose. There were a few days this past school year when the teacher called me to ask if she’d had her medicine. I admit, there were harried mornings when I would forget, and I’m sure there will be more. I make a point to tell her teachers to call me and ask if she’s acting up.

As a stay at home mom, my job is to take care of her and her brother. I face the coming summer with some trepidation because of her behavior, but I also look forward to it. It’s a learning experience for the entire family, a chance to sit back and love each other for all of us, not just the nice parts. My patience will be challenged, but I accept this challenge with open arms and smile on my face.

I love my daughter very much, and no matter what people believe about ADHD being a myth or just bad parenting, I know the truth. Maybe it isn’t as prolific as some people say. Then again, maybe it is. All I know is that my daughter has it, and no amount of shaming by the part of society that doesn’t believe in it is going to change that fact.

(Source: Summary Health Statistics for U.S. Children: National Health Interview Survey, 2011 – U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control, National Center for Health Statistics)

More about ADHD:

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) – National Institute of Mental Health
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children – The Mayo Clinic
Attention-Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) – Centers for Disease Control

Thirsty Thursday Blog Round-Up

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Welcome to the Thirsty Thursday Blog Round-Up! If you’ll notice, last week’s post disappeared. I have no idea what happened, or where it went. It’s not in my trash file, it’s not in my draft file, and it’s no longer up on the site. I am flummoxed. BUT! That’s not stopping this week’s awesome links, so let’s get on with it=)

On Writing

On Publishing & Agents

On Social Media

On Reading

How To Write A Terrific Review

On Blogging

Other Useful Stuff Too

Fantasy Tropes: Tired and Overused?

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Percy Jackson Recently, I was roaming around the blogosphere in search of links for Thirsty Thursday when I came across an article from 2009 – Ten Overused Fantasy Clichés by Shaun Duke. Even so far as this week, Mythic Scribes weighed in on the Good vs. Evil trope of Fantasy.

I understand where they are coming from. Many of the tropes relayed in Mr. Duke’s post are overused (especially in YA). But why? Well, because they work, for the most part.

The rise in reader volume may have something to do with the availability of eReaders (an entirely different post and a topic that has been discussed and discussed), or it may have to do with the marketing of books. There can be no doubt that the internet has much to do with this. Kids these days are connected. Plugged-in. Wired (and not because of sugar).

Narnia Even just 10 years ago, when I was 22 and in college, the world wasn’t as connected as it is today. Publishers still used the same old marketing techniques of book tours (still very useful), book stores (where are they all going?!) and libraries, and word-of-mouth. I didn’t hear about a lot of the books being published that might interest me. The library where I went to college focused on academics and the town library was small.

Even in the town I grew up in, the only times I heard about any new books was when I was a little kid and Scholastic sent out their monthly book club newsletter and my mom and dad let me pick a book or two based on the cover alone (still a VERY important tactic to consider, and a post for another day as well).

Harry Potter But, I digress: Kids today are exposed to more and have a higher chance of reading something they see that interests them. And, since most of those tropes mentioned are new to new readers, they are going to work.

Some kids may never have heard of the various tropes while reading Olivia and once they reach MG reading level, books like Percy Jackson and the world of Narnia might interest them. As for The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I come from such a small town with such a small library (a town where basketball, not reading, is supposed to be the main pass time of EVERYONE) that I didn’t even hear about it until the MOVIE came out. Yep. I had a lot of catching up to do. Percy I read not too long after the second book came out and waited anxiously for every following book.

The same goes with Harry Potter. Hello school! Hello bearded wizard! Hello dragons and good vs. evil! Hello elves (of a different nature, but still, I want to hire Dobby to this day and NO! DO NOT REMIND ME OF SHELL COTTAGE!).

And that interest continues on into YA and Adult books. Look at the Incarnate series by Jodi Meadows (yeah, I mention this series a lot, and that’s for a very good reason). It’s not so much good vs. evil. It’s got quite a bit of grey in there. It’s also got dragons.

Then, there’s The Wheel of Time series. This series is based on Good vs. Evil, but there are a lot of grey storylines involved as well (and considering there’s 14 books in the series, you can bet that grey covers up most of the black and white of good vs. evil). Still, the main plot, the hope of the world depends upon one GOOD man defeating one EVIL

The thing you have to consider when talking about “tired fantasy tropes” is that they are being written because they aren’t that tired. They’re being re-examined by new readers every day. They’re being repurposed in new and inventive ways by writers every day.

The Wheel of Time So, even if you’re tired of the fantasy tropes because you’ve read them all a hundred times, you haven’t read every book out there. Keep looking. You just might find something that surprises and delights you.

What do you think about fantasy tropes? Are you tired of reading any of them?

Google Reader, FeedDemon, and Feedly: The Battle for the Right RSS Reader.

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With the news of Google Reader’s end on July 1st, its users went into panic mode. “What do I do? How do I follow all these awesome blogs I love so much?”

There was a scramble to find the best replacement as soon as possible so when that inevitable day came, we still had all those blogs that we love to read.. I went looking and found FeedDemon. You install it, it integrates all the blogs from Google Reader with just a few clicks, and you’re ready to read.

When I first started following blogs, it was all on Blogger. That’s where WRL started after all. It was easy to subscribe to blogs since the Google Friend Connect (GFC) was still around then and EVERYONE had it up so you could follow their blogs. Then it went away. Google Reader was the next logical choice. I had the option of clicking a button on my Blogger dashboard to get to it and check out all the blogs I follow.

When GFC disappeared, I added new blogs to Google Reader through RSS. Simple, easy, and a lot of blogs had a quick push of a button to add it to the reader of your choice. Things were great for a couple of years.

Then BOOM! Google did it again. They took the blog reading community and whammied it. By this time, I’d developed quite a list of blogs. I didn’t even read all of them anymore. Some because the writer had simply stopped blogging. Others because my interests had changed. The only way to remove the ones I’d followed through Blogger was to click that little gear wheel on my dashboard and go through the long slow process of deleting them. It was easier with the ones I’d subscribed to with RSS though. A simple click of an arrow, a quick click of “unsubscribe”, and viola. Easy-peasy.

Once I transferred everything to FeedDemon, I took a few days to get used to it. I thought that maybe it would be easier to delete those no longer active blogs from Blogger with this program.

I was wrong.

I went through and got rid of at least twenty blogs, some I’d followed through RSS on Google Reader and others through GFC on Blogger. The next day, they magically appeared back in their spot. I’d already added new blogs to my new reader. The idea of just uninstalling it scared the hell outta me. What was I to do?

So, I set up with Feedly. Before I did anything with FeedDemon, I went through and deleted those imported blogs from Google Reader and Blogger that no longer updated or no longer interested me. It was a long process, but not as long as Blogger, so I did it and… I waited.

Now, the process itself, while long, was easy to follow. There weren’t a lot of buttons to push, there wasn’t a long wait time, there were no gears to click on, and it was all pretty to look at. Yes, I said Feedly is pretty. Yes, apparently that does make a bit of a difference with my patience level. Maybe that’s why I hated going through and deleting unused blogs from Blogger. It was ugly. Feedly is pretty. I took the time necessary to do it.

Also, all those blogs that don’t get updated anymore are super easy to find by clicking the index button. Scroll down all the way and there’s a list of all the blogs that have no new blog posts. You’ll have to be careful since some of them are still active, just not updated, but it makes it easier to weed out the no-longer-blogged blogs.

It worked. I went through, got rid of any blogs that hadn’t updated in over 80 days and closed Feedly out. I went back, later that day and they hadn’t magically appeared in my feed again. Success!

Now, there were some blogs I’d subscribed to using FeedDemon that weren’t there. That’s an easy enough fix though. Just add them to your favorites until you can move them onto Feedly.

I guess you could say I’m slow on the up-take. Sooooo many blogs have already posted on this with a resounding number of them screaming the name FEEDLY with vigor. At the time, I liked FeedDemon. And there’s no reason not to. It’s a good reader, but I found I didn’t like having over 800 blogs listed since more than half of them don’t even update anymore and not be able to get rid of them.

So, Feedly. You have won me over.

Also, you’re pretty. Wanna go steady?

[UPDATE: Apparently I lied. I got back on earlier today (5/14) and all the blogs I thought I deleted appeared out of thin air again. So sorry for the trouble. Feedly is still pretty though, and I still recommend it.]

Saturday Prompt

When Friendships Go Wrong

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By slurpiesandstraws ☮
from Flickr.com

I wrote this awhile ago and then deleted it. I had no interest in continuing living in the past. All that has changed though. There have been certain things come to light that upsets me. One thing in particular is a blog written recently. I’ll get to that in a bit though.

First, I think I should give you some background on the past and a friendship that went terribly wrong.:

Bullying on the Internet isn’t just for Teenagers

It’s sad but true. Kids may have a excuses (as weak as they are), but adults don’t. They do it just to be mean. People believe there’s a certain anonymity that is involved. (“What does it matter that I’m being mean? This person doesn’t know me from John Doe. Good thing that’s what my screen name is, lol.”)

Bullies as Trolls

Since starting my blog, I have been lucky to have only one case of trolling happen. It was actually kind of funny, and I had anticipated it. With my previous experience (I’ll get to that in a minute), I wouldn’t say I was hardened against it, but I was prepared at least. Turns out, the Troll didn’t even read the post she commented was on, AND I held a celebration for having “made it” in the blogging world.

I’ve gotten lucky in my blogging so far. Others haven’t. One of my favorite “Mommy” bloggers had a bad case of trolling on her site not too long ago (check the comments, see the trolls, and you’ll even see me calling them out). It changed her thoughts on bullying on the internet enough that she joined with others in “The Mom Pledge.”

There are a few different forms of bullying on the internet. Here you can find an explanation of each of these types of “cyber bullying”: flaming, belittling, trolling, imping, harassment, stalking, outing, and phishing. As writers, we all know the truth. No matter what that rhyme says and no matter its good intentions, it’s wrong.

Words hurt.

And now I’m going to share with you my own personal experience with online bullying.

A few years ago, I had a friend. She was like a sister to me. We talked every week on the phone (we lived far away from each other. Several states away for a time). We shared our thoughts and our dreams. She was one of the first people I told when I became pregnant with my daughter. I would tell her all my grievances with my new husband, knowing that I could trust her.*

One day while talking on the phone, she suggested an online mother’s group for me to join. I trusted her, so I joined and started talking with these other women. Already, signs were bad.

These women did not accept new people into the group easily. I tried to make light of my ignorance of certain things since I was a “noob” to the group, but several of the women openly degraded me for that one reason alone. One woman even stated she hated new people in the group. My friend said to give it time and they would accept me, so I stuck with it.

And then I found out I was pregnant with Little Man. I announced it in the group. I received a few congratulations before my friend took all the negative things I had told her about my marriage and aired it in this very public forum of women who already didn’t like me because I was new. At first, it was only a few who insulted me. Then, when I confronted my friend about what she did, shit hit the screen.

I was called a bad mother.

I was told I wasn’t fit to live.

I was told I should just kill myself and save the world from having to deal with me.

I was told I should have an abortion.

All because I wouldn’t take their advice and divorce my husband. None of this wouldn’t have happened if this friend hadn’t betrayed my trust.

Somehow, through all of it, I became the bad guy. I ended up apologizing to my friend because this woman has a way about her that makes people want to do everything they can to please her. The kicker? I got no real apology back. The most she said was she probably shouldn’t have done that. There was no, “I’m sorry,” to it. Just an, “Oops. My bad.”

Months go by and I was still in the group. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn’t. You see, this person is the type that you want to follow her around just so you can say, “Yeah! I’ve breathed within 5 feet of her!” Her charisma is astounding. I was on the outs with her, and even with what she
did to me, I wanted back in.

When my son was born, I posted in the group. A couple of new members who weren’t around months before congratulated me. And then someone said something downright hateful. This case of trolling worked on me. I immediately emailed my friend and told her she needed to make sure her other friends didn’t say word one to me.

It’s amazing how trolling works. I could have handled myself better, but I was not in a good place. I had some severe postpartum depression and I had never fully recovered from the postpartum depression from when my daughter was born. Pile all of that on top of everything I had felt in the crazy hormonal months of pregnancy where I was outed and belittled and it’s
easy to see where I wasn’t in my right mind.

The ramifications of that trolling led to a lot of problems in my life.

I broke.

I cried.

I had a conversation with Stephen King on my bathroom floor while snakes slithered around us.**

I believed every word those people told me.

I must be a horrible mother.

I really should stop living. Little Man wasn’t even walking when I attempted suicide. These women were obviously right and the world would be a better place with out me. My kids would be better without me. I spent several days in the psychiatric wing of the hospital doing my best to get past the things those horrible women said to me.

And something happened. I got pissed.

Who were these women to tell me I’m a horrible mother? They know nothing of my life but what SOMEONE ELSE told them. They were looking for someone to hate and I just happen to be the person they dumped it on. I could either blindly follow a black hole*** – the same one all the detritus circled – or turn away before I was lost completely.

So I turned away.

But bullying doesn’t just go away. You don’t just get over it. It sticks with you through all things. I have scars from those people. Invisible ones that are deep.

I no longer entrust ANYONE with personal stuff, including the little arguments my husband and I get into. Every marriage has them. It’s how you get through them that matters, but I will never give details again. Even to my
actual sister. Even to a friend who did stick by me with all that was happening. Even to a therapist.

Every year during the month of March (when I found out I was pregnant with Little Man and my friend fed me to the wolves) I will be anxious. Every year, my son’s birthday will be tainted by the pain of betrayal. I’d like to say the only thing I can do is move on and allow time to distance me from the pain.

My former friend won’t allow that though. Just recently, she mentioned me and lied about what I said. I thought she had moved on like me, but the truth is in written word. The comments were a reminder of the Trolls from the forum.

I now find myself wondering what she’s told people about me. I’m almost certain she’s told people I’m a troll in the writing community. I’ll tell you right now that’s impossible. The writing community means way too much to me. You guys saved my life. Literally. I love everything to do with the writing community and would NEVER do anything to demean such a wonderful group of people.

Anyways, if you’ve been bullied, you know. It was made worse by my hormones, but even if I hadn’t been pregnant or just had a baby, I wouldn’t have deserved that. No one does. Bullying is a huge issue, especially on the internet where people think they can hide behind anonymity and get away with anything.

I tell you my story because I want you to understand it and I hope you never have to experience it yourselves. Speak out against it. If you see it happening to someone you know, offer them a kind word and a shoulder. Contact whomever you need to contact to get that bully off the internet or at least off the other person’s back. Step up and don’t allow bullying to continue. Go to http://cyber-bullying-prevention.com/ to learn more on how to help prevent bullying.

Words hurt, but they can also be cathartic.

* I also told her all the good things in my marriage, but she didn’t share with the group. There was no abuse going on in my marriage. It was all normal early marriage stuff that got used against me.

** I really did. It was the middle of the night, I was exhausted from my motherly duties, I had been crying from stress and depression, and either dreamed or hallucinated it.

*** From a distance, a black hole looks like a bright star.

[UPDATE: The woman who I refer to as the black hole got a hold of me and asked me to remove this post since it shows her in a bad light. After much consideration, I have decided to deny her request.]

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A to Z Reflections

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What a month! April was crazy and not the bad kind

This was my second year joining in the A to Z Challenge. Last year was just a bunch of rambling. This year, while there was still some rambling going on, I got to learn a bunch of new and unusual words.

So many different bloggers did so many different and fun things. I got to meet new bloggers that I would never have discovered before. I got to read great serialized fiction, and I even made a few new friends.

The great thing about the A to Z Challenge is in the name: it’s a challenge! It pushes you to see what you can do with your writing. It challenges you to come up with new and creative ways of expressing yourself.

Admittedly, the hardest part of all of it was following along with all the blogs that signed up. With well over 1000 participants, the idea of trying to read a little bit of all of them was a little overwhelming. It helped that the hosts decided to add categories to it, but there were still so many blogs that didn’t list a category. My own category was Miscelaneous. When I signed up, I didn’t know what I was going to post about. I didn’t even know for sure until the letter C. Things snowballed from there though and I could get all those crazy words out of my head.

I want to thank the hosts for putting so much time and effort into making the A to Z Challenge just as much fun this year as it was last year. That thanks extends to their various minions as well=)

The list is still up if you want to peruse the various blogs. It’s definitely worth the time, even if you didn’t participate yourself. You never know what you’ll learn=)

I learned quite a bit from some of my most popular A to Z posts. Here’s a quick list of all the ones that drew in more readers:

I sincerely hope it continues next year!

Did you participate in the A to Z Challenge? If so, leave a link and I’ll go check it out=)

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